When Relationships Get Unexpected Surprises: Guest Post by Peer Leader Intern Hannah Davis

Relationships are complicated enough, but what happens when another person is thrown into the mix? No, I’m not talking about a love triangle or a nosy person who is interfering in your personal love life; I’m talking about a baby. Many teenagers aren’t consciously thinking about settling down with their partner and having kids, but for some it happens unexpectedly. And what do you do if you find yourself pregnant while still in school and unmarried?

For most couples, having a baby in general brings about a lot of stress and anxiety. There is concern about the fetus’s health, getting money to support the baby, figuring out if one of the parents will stop working to care full time for the newborn, and many other things that need to be thought out before the child even comes to be born. Some couples are so stressed by the event that their relationship can deteriorate as hormones and emotions go wild.

If you are a teen engaging in unprotected sex you can get pregnant. There are myths that say if a girls on top, if you have sex in water, or if you have sex on your period you can’t get pregnant. None of these are real! The only true way to avoid getting pregnant is abstinence, but we all know many teens don’t want to abstain from sex. So if you are ready to take your relationship to that level its important you use a condom and think about going on birth control.

But what if you weren’t told these things and it’s too late; you or your girlfriend is in the process of having a baby. How can a young teenage couple handle what lies ahead of them? What can you do to reduce the stress and other negative emotions you and your partner may be experiencing? A major thing is to know what you are in for. Take time to read parenting books, talk to doctors about the potential risks teens have when giving birth, such as babies being premature, and if there are ways to reduce those outcomes.

Secondly, talk with your partner about what your future is. There is a chance that you will get married or you may also decide it’s better to share custody but not continue in your romantic relationship. If you realize that your significant other doesn’t want to stay then discuss ways to make sure they continue to participate in the child’s life. Find a way to make the future the best you can possibly give your unborn child.

A third way is to surround yourself with those who are willing to help you and your partner during the pregnancy. Some teens are lucky and have parents who are supportive and promise to help raise the child. This compassion and love helps the soon-to-be parents navigate through things like Lamaze classes, doctors appointments, and periods of fear, anger, or confusion. But not everyone has such understanding parents. Some teens are rejected by family and made to struggle on their own. But even then there are others who are willing to lend a helping hand. Look for those friends or trusted adults.

You can go to informational websites and hotlines for help if you feel there is nowhere else to turn. America’s Pregnancy Helpline can be contacted at 1-888-672-2296 and have a special section just for teens. For counseling you can contact Planned Parenthood Federation of America at 1-800-230-7526 or Birthright International at 1-800-550-4900 or online at http://birthright.org.

One of the Possible Dangers of Romance. Guest Peer Leader Blog Post By Hannah Davis

Sometimes we find ourselves in a relationship where something doesn’t seem quite right. Many things can go wrong in romantic relationship, and because of this we have to take caution when we select a mate. Perhaps one of the most serious issues is when a person becomes involved in an abusive relationship.

What do we consider to be abusive relationships? This doesn’t have a simple answer because there are many forms of abuse; physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, social, spiritual, or a combination of the above. All of these are serious signs that you should get out of the relationship quickly. If any of these forms of abuse are occurring you are not in a loving relationship, your partner most likely wont stop even if he or she says they will change, and they aren’t trustworthy. You must remember this person is trying to manipulate you in order to control you. That is not okay.

What I found to be very interesting was that victims, typically women, tend to stay with their partner. I asked myself, why would you stay? So I looked it up and found that there is a cycle of violence these relationships get stuck in. It starts with the build up phase where there is noticeable tension and perhaps a sense of unease. Next comes the explosion where you experience the abuse. After that, which may occur immediately or soon thereafter, comes the remorse stage, where the abuser tries to make it up to you through gifts, saying “it will never happen again”, or that “it was all your fault”. And lastly is the time when things appear to get normal; the abuser seems to have truly felt bad about what happened and seemed to change. This honeymoon period doesn’t last long before the entire cycle starts again.

While I understand that it’s the honeymoon phase that keeps people in those types of relationships, I still couldn’t comprehend why it takes people so long to get out of those bad situations; eventually they must realize that the cycle wont stop repeating itself. I could think of several reasons, such as fear of leaving, but was that really enough to keep you there?

There are myths about abusive relationships and I began to wonder if that was another factor keeping people from leaving. Some of the myths included the victim deserved to be hurt, that those who are abused should be ashamed about it, that if it isn’t physical abuse it doesn’t count, that it’s the abusers drug and/or alcohol use that makes them violent, and that victims are weak because they don’t stand up for themselves.

Seeing as it’s a myth, none of these things are true. If you happen to be in an abusive relationship and these thoughts are stopping you from reaching out for help, please understand that none of it is your fault. No one deserves to be treated in any type of abusive manner.

Why is it important to leave an abusive relationship? First and foremost it is unhealthy physically (losing sleep, bodily injury) and mentally unhealthy (depression, fear, problems trusting others). Secondly, you should be in a fun relationship that centers on love, acceptance, and feelings of safety.

So, if you are in an unsafe relationship its times to get out of it! Talk to a trusted adult or friend or call a hotline. You can reach the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474, the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

The Continuation of Prejudice in Today's Society: Guest Post by Peer Leader Intern Hannah Davis

Why does our society continue to allow prejudice? Sure it isn’t always as blatant as it use to be, but there are many people suffering from microaggresions. What does this mean you may ask? Microaggressions are very small incidents that may at first appear innocent but on deeper inspection are actually forms of aversive racism or sexism or classism or any other ism there is. It appears that these slights are unconscious and is one way that people who have unknown biases project their true feelings.

An example of a microaggression could be a person who is Asian being denied a job they are qualified for to another candidate who is white. Their resumes are exactly the same, both are charming, and both are hard working but the white manager picks the white person. If asked, most likely that manager wouldn’t admit he or she picked the person according to race, even if it was an undertone to the decision.

According to Derald Wing Sue in his article entitled “Microaggressions in Everyday Life”, there are three categories of microaggressions:

1) Microassults: conscious actions that are prejudiced against a person for their race, sex, age, ect.

2) Microinsults: some type of communication that is insensitive and unconsciously done

3) Microinvalidations: communication that secretly puts another down by invalidating them due to their religion, sexual orientation, disability, ect.

All of these forms of microaggressions are powerful ways to hurt others, but the last two are unconscious and therefore harder to stop. Many people deny that they have stereotypes of certain people because society promotes diversity and acceptance. And yet their denial only hurts those who are the victims of their words and actions even more. Only once people begin to understand that they are unwittingly harming others can they begin to change their attitude and stop their unconscious prejudiced actions.

In another article Sue mentioned “microaggressions reflect the active manifestation of oppressive worldviews that create, foster, and enforce marginalization. Because most of us consciously experience ourselves as good, moral, and decent human beings, the realization that we hold a biased worldview is very disturbing; thus we prefer to deny, diminish or avoid looking at ourselves honestly. Yet, research suggests that none of us are immune from inheriting the racial, gender, and sexual orientation biases of our society. We have been socialized into racist, sexist and heterosexist attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Much of this is outside the level of conscious awareness, thus we engage in actions that unintentionally oppress and discriminate against others.”

So with this in mind, is it really all that crazy to think we have each engaged in any of the three types of microaggressions?

I’d also wager that if you ask your friends and family someone would probably be able to give you an example of how microaggressions have been used against them.

As we try to fight the everyday microaggresion in our society we should also continue to battle the obvious forms of aggression. The USA Network television channel has come up with a campaign called Characters Unite that is asking people to take a “stand against intolerance, prejudice, discrimination and hate, and to promote greater understand and acceptance”. You can pledge at their website http://www.charactersunite.com/ and learn more about their fight against all forms of hatred.

Perhaps by removing the obvious discriminations we will be able to truly begin to stop microaggressions. As hard as it might be to imagine a world where everyone is seen as equal, isn’t it a nice picture? Don’t we want to fight to see a better tomorrow for future generations? If the answer is yes, then it’s time to work on our own prejudices; acknowledge them, think about them, and eliminate them.

A Closer Look at Video Games: Guest Post by Peer Leader Intern Hannah Davis

It’s easy to see how a video game can be a fun way to avoid reality; you can be a sniper in Call of Duty: Black Ops, a gnome in World of Warcraft, slay zombies in Left 4 Dead, or fly planes and bomb the enemy in Wings of Prey. In this virtual world you can be anyone you want, from an intimidating ogre to a sexy elf. It doesn’t matter who you are in the real world because in video games you can create yourself into any form you wish. You can even prove to other gamers that you are in fact a force to be reckoned with!

There are many positive aspects to playing video games. You can temporarily escape from stress, create another social network with people of similar hobbies and interests, and can practice skills that can be used in later life, such as increased hand-eye accuracy and faster reaction times. Several years ago in his article Video Games: An Escape From Reality? Jeffery D. Davis said that the U.S. Army and Navy use video games to train their recruits to cut down on simulator costs. He also said that because so many soldiers have grown up playing shooter games, they tend to learn battlefield tactics faster.

Although it sounds like these first-person-shooter games can be valuable in training our military, many are concerned about the violent aspect of these games. Many people argue that video games are too bloody and gruesome, which in turn is causing our young generations to have violent tendencies. It has been suggested that games like Grand Theft Auto teach bad examples of how to behave in society. Players steal cars, swear, and kill innocent people. At the same time, there is debate if these types of games can be blamed for the increased violence in our society any more then the violence shown on TV and the movies.

And what is there a point where video games become detrimental? Can you become addicted to the games you play and neglect your life’s many duties? The answer is yes. I have personally seen people spend large amounts of money on games, miss classes and isolate themselves in their room to play Counter Strike and Portal, and even stop hanging out with their friends and family in order to spend countless hours in front of their computer. Marriages have fallen apart and people have lost their jobs due to avoiding their responsibilities in order to complete their raid or because they were on a winning spree. Their addiction can ruin their lives, but like all other addicting things, there are steps towards recovery people can take to get their gaming under control.

So, overall there is both good and bad aspects to the beloved video games many people play. The industry will continue to grow as more people discover the pleasure associated with this activity. Games will be made to cater to the desires of gamers, whether it is a racing game such as Need For Speed, a simulation game like The Sims, or Madden, which is a sports game. There may always be some games that people may consider to be too violent, but it is up to parents and consumers to decide which games are appropriate.

What do you think about violence in video games? What do you think about their addictive properties? Is this something we need to worry about?

In support of all love: Guest Peer Leader Blog Post by Hannah Davis

These last few months have been filled with tragic deaths, all of which could have been avoided if only our society was more understanding and less homophobic. We lost nine youth recently, including Seth Walsh from California, Asher Brown from Texas, Felix Sacco from Massachusetts, and Caleb Nolt from Indiana. I for one am appalled and saddened that these teens feel so stigmatized that they felt suicide was the only option.

You’d think that by now we would have overcome these biases and found ways to accept those who are different from us. But is it that much of a shock when in this day and age we continue to ban gay marriage, say things like “that’s so gay”, have ignorant beliefs such as “being gay is a choice” and have people espousing the idea that being gay is an abomination that goes against the bible and God.

Who is saying this? Is it only those who are religious? Or people who have grown up with these ideas all their lives?

No. As much as we might like to group those who are anti-gay activists into a neat little group, we can’t. People of all races, religions, ages, social classes, education, and ethnicities may have these negative views. Even though every new generation is showing a reduction in biases regarding racism, sexism, and sexual orientation, we still see younger people who are stuck in these prejudicial ways.

What is distressing about this to me is that there are very few truly safe and welcoming places for those in the LGBTQQI community to be open about their sexual orientation without being afraid of hate crimes, discrimination, and violence. While changes are being made by groups such as FCKH8, Gay and Lesbian Activists Alliance, the "It Gets Better" project, and various gay pride parades, Americans still struggle with the idea of being open minded and accepting of homosexuality.

I want to know why people are so bigoted. Why must the majority put down those who are already under-represented? Will society as a whole eventually understand that there is no difference between heterosexual and homosexual couples? How long will it take for society to realize that ALL love for one another is precious and sacred? And perhaps most importantly, I wonder if the discrimination will ever end.

My belief is that yes, we will one day live in a country that is welcoming to all sexual orientations. It will be a struggle at every step, but each small victory for those who are being stigmatized is worth the fight.

As Abraham-Hicks once said, “A belief is only a though you continue to think. A belief is nothing more than a chronic pattern of thought, and you have the ability – if you try even a little bit – to begin a new pattern, to tell a new story, to achieve a different vibration, to change your point of attraction.” These empowering words give me hope that every time a person protests against abuse and mistreatment of the LGBTQQI community, we will slowly change the minds of others. By educating the public and promoting awareness, love, and compassion we can take that engrained pattern and begin a new one that is more accepting.

What happens when a friend is diagnosed with mental illness? Guest Peer Leader Blog Post By Hannah Davis

Hannah Davis is the new Peer Outreach Coalition Intern. Hannah is studying Psychology at Sonoma State University. Her guest blogs will be featured weekly. Welcome, Hannah!

Many people wonder what it is like to have a mental disorder and how that changes a person’s life. While this is important, I am more interested in the many people who know a friend or family member that’s diagnosed and are entering the unknown territory of caregiver. According to the National Institute of Mental Health there are 26.2% of people aged 18 and over who “suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.” Seeing as one in four adults have mental disorders, the chances of knowing someone who is affected is a likely possibility. Because of these statistics, NAMI California, a group dedicated to educating the public about mental illness, lays out several of the typical feelings those helping mentally ill family members go through and ways to cope with this challenge.

There tends to be seven common emotions due to the added burden of caring for a mentally ill person. These emotions are guilt, embarrassment, confusion, anger, resentment, fear, and frustration. When I imagine the challenge of caring for someone who is mentally ill I associate with these emotions, all of which aren’t positive. If I feel this way by simply picturing these hardships then how much more stressful must it be for those who don’t imagine these situations, but are in them?

Guilt manifests because people blame themselves for what has happened and believe that somehow they could have taken control of the situation and stopped the mental illness from developing. Social stigmas about the mentally ill can cause embarrassment while confusion occurs when people have a hard time accepting that their loved one is mentally ill, what caused the disorder, and its impact on the affected individual. When family members think a patient isn’t really sick, yet merely looking for attention or excuses, they exhibit anger towards the ill individual. Resentment is where people feel pressured and burdened while caring for their family member. The people who normally feel this way are primary care givers that are closest to the mentally ill. Another normal response is fear that the family member will also be likely to get the illness. They may wonder if they are next. And lastly, the feelings of frustration occurs when caretakers feel they are unable to properly assist their loved one and therefore not helping them get better, which can also increase feelings of guilt. None of these negative feelings are helpful to any individual involved in the situation and should be change to a more positive outlook so there are no hard feelings between both parties involved.

In my opinion, it is vital that we try to get into the mindset of those in such a difficult position so we can understand what they are going through and learn how to help them. Thankfully there are ways that we can assist those who may feel burdened by caring for a friend or family member. They face an enormous challenge that includes little thanks for the help they provide, emotional heartbreak watching a loved one suffer, lots of time spent helping the mentally ill individual, and the rebellion against their help that they are likely to run into. This challenging time is when we as friends need to offer a helping hand; trying to care for someone shouldn’t be one person’s job.

Caregivers should try to reach out to others for emotional support, which can be as simple as talking about what is going on and getting feedback from others about treatment and behavioral issues. By discussing their concerns, fears, and thoughts people can create realistic expectations of recovery and maintain an objective perspective. Getting a break from care giving can reduce stress, and the use humor can help with the hardships of caring for those who can make the work difficult and depressing. Next time your friend needs to talk or asks for help, seriously think about the responsibility they are undergoing by caring for their mentally ill individual and ask yourself if you would want help and support. If the answer is yes, then do whatever you can to help to reduce that person’s burden.

As NAMI California says, “it is important to remember that mental illness is just that, an illness of the brain” and that “wrestling with the intricacies of mental health disorders is no easy feat.” It is important for those dealing with family members or friends afflicted with mental disorders to try to understand their feelings towards the ill person and how to change them to positive emotions, as well as know what resources are available during their struggle to help their mentally ill companion. Having a close circle of friends they can count on is also extremely helpful.

Remember that one day you could be in this position. Wouldn’t you want help and loving support during these troubling times?

Our Deepest Frustration- A Blog Post by Peer Leader Jesús Guzmán

Our Deepest Frustration

It was years ago that I remember reading everything Malcolm X from his childhood, to his conversion to Islam, to his visit to Mecca, and his legacy now. In particular, there stood one saying as stall as the man himself. It read, “A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” Those are powerful words. Those are words that reflect the self-deprecation and downtrodden attitude of young men and woman of color in this country. However, it applies to them in a slightly altered way, because as Malcolm’s Man seems to be aware of what he could potentially stand for, and instead chooses not to. These young men and woman I speak of, they haven’t yet been given an opportunity to stand for anything, in fact, they haven’t yet been taught how to stand at all. They have yet to be educated on what they could be, should be, can be, will be one day. We must educate our coming generation of young men and woman of who they can be by including in our classrooms examples of who they can become.

In our classrooms of American History we see only old white men. In our classrooms of Literature we read only old white men. In our classrooms of Science we learn only about the discoveries made by old white men. In our classrooms of Philosophy we are only exposed to old white men. There’s a pattern. And for those of the Caucasian persuasion, that’s perfectly fine and dandy. But for those of us who are not, when we are sitting in those classrooms, we look up and see who we are not, who we can’t be, who we can never be, and who we don’t want to be. I remember sitting in my AP English class senior year in High School reading various authors and works of literary merit, novels which I still hold dear to my heart today such as Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray and Heller’s Catch-22. One afternoon after class I approached my instructor and asked why none of the authors we were reading for class were not from Latin America. He promptly answered, “This is an English class, not a Spanish class.” That’s true. But what I failed to understand is why we were reading Crime & Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky then. We certainly were not reading it in the original Russian, so I was obviously not asking him to read Carlos Fuentes in the original Spanish. This point seemed to elude him entirely, as I’m sure many other things seemed to elude him entirely, as well. I remember to this day, that what I was asking was not a Spanish course in Latin American Literature, though that would be pretty sweet, but instead an incorporation of actual “WORLD” Literature, as the class falsely advertised. I wanted to read Octavio Paz. I wanted to know Gabriel Garcia Marquez and hang out with Jorge Luis Borges and kick back with Mario Vargas Llosa and have a drink with Julio Cortazar and wax poetic with Sandra Cisneros and enjoy the cool comfort of the afternoon breeze talking indigenismo with Jose Vasconcelos. But what I wanted the most was to see an example of what I could one day become. I wanted to see hope.

It may sound absurd to hear that the dropout rate of young Latino students in American schools could change somehow by incorporating history and literature on their own culture, but I stand here firm in my conviction that the case is as I state it. Sitting in History I can recount thinking how Benjamin Franklin was a harlot, Jefferson a hypocrite, Sam Adams an alcoholic, and how I was tired of my history teaching telling me to write about Cesar Chavez. Enough already, I get it, he was awesome, but I can’t write a report on him every year! So, I am frustrated. I am frustrated because others are not frustrated. I am frustrated because others are not angry. I am frustrated because others are not furious. I frustrated because this is cultural genocide and so few seem to notice and much less care. Young men and woman of color are growing up and so few heroes are held up to idolize as examples of what each of us can one day be. Systematically we hold up white idols and ignore all others. It causes at least two effects I can account for: One, by upholding white Americans as the primary source of idolatry we are falsely affirming that white is right. Two, by downplaying great minds of Latin America, and elsewhere, for example, we are confirming the gnawing suspicion of each and every young man and woman that as an ethnicity in America you are less because you are not white, you cultural heritage is excluded in the classroom much like you are in the rest of American society. Self-esteem here becomes a huge issue. It becomes the major hurdle to acknowledging the little known truth that so many young Latinos are not privy to, yet ought to know. I simply ask that we include more heroes of various cultures to light the way for unbound potential of today’s youth. Fortunately for me, I had a great junior year English teacher who said why say it yourself when someone else has already said it for you. So, in homage of her enormous impact on my life and many others, I’m sure, I will allow the great author Marianne Williamson to close for me:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."